please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
