God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
