yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
