hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm at about main and main street
you had me at cake vodka
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
