chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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