Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
