A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
