I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
