and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
