I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
