So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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