Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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