I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
