Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
