you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
