I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
