no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
