Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
