Hey man sorry I got all grabby
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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