next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
