I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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