The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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