to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
