so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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