Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
you inspire me to be a worse person
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
