I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
we have officially lost it.
Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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