she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
