The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
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I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
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I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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