I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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