I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
