By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
