No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
