Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
