areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Randomize
