I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
