i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Is Oprah even human
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
