why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
it's like heaven, but drunker
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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