nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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