is wine microwaveable?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
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