I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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