What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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