Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
