Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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