i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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