community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Randomize
