; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
