I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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