apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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