i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
