im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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