Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
We had sex on a dog bed..
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
