Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
