Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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