I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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