Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Randomize
