I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I am midnight drunk by noon
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
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