Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
