Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
