I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
