Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
