If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
